Happi's Place!

WARNING

This is a mostly vent area for me- I'm going thru it rn so if you aren't in the right headspace for sad vibes pls click off!

Somethings wrong with me and I don't know what will help. I feel like I can't do anything I need to.
I keep having breakdowns and feeling awful, I wan't to finish things and I can't. It's like my body is too exhausted to be
what I want. I just want to be proud of myself and I hate feeling like I'm losing time. I need to change my medication
I hope its just that

I'm so upset, the dishwasher hasn't worked since before I moved in in August, now the fridge isn't working. I gained
weight and I hate how I look. I feel worse, I never have time for things I want or need. Theres something about living
in this world that gives you pain in ways you've never known. I feel useless and hopeless, I have no money and less
prospects. I don't know what to do I can only try even though it feels pointless.
I'm gonna try to excersize or something, I'll buy a fridge and dishwasher and my landlord can get a watch
im going to bed

The other day I was thinking about how astronauts can see all the lights we turn on from the ISS, I thought about how
they said things like war and strife seem so meaningless when you see the beauty of the earth and the specks of light
glittering across our home. Each light looks like a little star pointing to a life you might never know. I thought of how
North Korea is dark at night, and it hurts to think that people snuff out these stars. Palestine has lost so many souls,
it hurts to know people don't see their life as meaningful and unique. I worry that people only care about white lives...
I wish I could do more, even if we took every Palestinian in and gave them a home elsewhere they would still be in pain.
They would still be ripped from their homes and culture.I'm not religious but I pray for Palestine.

I started driving for uber yesterday and I got a lady who wanted to be driven over 3 hours away @ 6pm but I did it
and I got $180 for the drive! and today I got taco bell for me and my roommate and the little old lady who
works there recognized me and gave me a sweet smile with my burrito it seems so small but it made me think about
why I started dressing in kidcore; It makes me happy, and I like how other people smile when they see me I think I've
been too harsh on myself lately and maybe just need to focus on what can make me truly happy. I'll work on stuff I want
to make on a schedule that doesn't stress me out and stop all the negative self talk until next time void!

urghhrhgrhhr I'm so exhausted, mentally, physically and finanically...
I guess the thing about being well known in online circles is this weird feeling of pressure to appear "on brand" cause I'm
"Happi" and I'm really trying but I can't be happy all the time
...
I'll get better, I just need time. I'm not doing nothing and thats progress even if it doesn't feel like it